The Book of Seumas

1. And it came to pass after many years that the tribe of Judah won a famous victory in only six days against the Egyptians, the Jordanians and the Syrians who had vowed to expel them from the land of Israel.

2. The tribe of the Guardianites and the tribe of Judah had theretofore been peaceful one unto the other, but dwelling as they do on the left, the Guardianites loveth the underdogs and not those who winneth wars, especially not existential ones, so they began to speak against the Judeans.

3. And it came to pass in the East that Yeltsin, the son of Gorbachev, turned his back on the inheritance of the Marxite tribe. In the West the great King Ron Reagan was triumphant and this sorely troubled the Guardianites. So they asked their Warlord Seumas what they should do. “Cleave ye to the enemies of King Ron” he said. “Get ye to the tribe of the Shi’ites of Persia. Make common cause against those who joined with King Ron, for example the tribe of Judah. Take no notice of the fact that the Persian King ImADimNutJob opposeth everything ye hold dear, such as equality for women, respect for gays, democracy and justice.”

4. Lo, behold: the Guardianites had in their inheritance in their land of Kings Place a multitude of rabid dogs, by name Berchmans, LaRit, PreemptiveResponse, Talknic, Ironsocks, Tranquil, Edwardrice, Gnosticmind, Moeran and Spectreovereurope.

5. And it came to pass that the Guardianites lost a mighty packet through buying sterling forward against the money of the great King Ron, instead of selling. Seumas was bereft and he spake unto his Counsellor, Georgina.  And she spake unto him, Seaumas, these dogs of ours, we have taken an unholy bath in the derivatives market and we can no longer afford their keepers. What say we set them upon the tribe of Judah?

6. And Seumas heeded the word of Georgina, that it was good.

7. And the Guardianite dogs verily and prolifically shat upon the tribe of Judah. And their ordure was foul-smelling and voluminous.

8. And the elders of the tribe of Judah sent a multitude of missives to the Guardianite leaders. “Your dogs have shat upon us mightily” they said. “Maybe you would be decent enough to consider sending round their keepers with a legion of chariots full of Dettol to clean up the mess?”

9. But the Guardianites only laughed, saying “You are only saying that to silence critics of Israeli government policies”.

10. And it came to pass that the congregation of the tribe of Judah held a high convocation in order to decide what to do next. And their elders suggested a plan. All the revolting stinking shit of the rabid dogs of the Guardianites would be collected up and dumped on top of their camp at Kings Place. And the congregation of the tribe of Judah gave its assent, with no naysayers.

11. And behold, Seumas and Georgina were mightily troubled to have the vast stinking shit of their ill-kempt beasts thrown back at them. It rained down all over their Office Planner with the details of all the rabid commenters who were going to bait the tribe of Judah over the next six months.

12. And the Lord “watched” all this and saw that it was good. And the heavens shook with the sound of her mirth.

Categories: Guardian

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16 replies »

  1. This is about Seumas Milne??!

    This could go one or two ways – either he’ll fizz about until he self-combusts (from his photo he looks as though he takes himself far too seriously) or the Guardianistas will be deployed here in his defence.

    It’s hilarious, though. You should submit it to CiF!

  2. Louise.

    Funniest thing I’ve seen for quite a while.

    There’s going to be a lot of knicker twists going on at The Guardian.

  3. They can’t even put you in premoderation and refuse to explain why, while withholding your best posts from posting just because they have the power for this!

    How it will irkthem.

  4. LOL! Excellent! I’ve been reading this blog since it began (I found it via OyvaGoy) and wish to commend you on your wonderful and vitally necessary work. I used to be a very occasional commenter on CIF but I gave up after a short while because I felt it was a lost cause.

    I actually reported CIF to Honest Reporting and they replied to me that they too had totally given up on monitoring CIF because it was a Sisyphean task – almost every single post on it concerning Israel, and the comments on those items, is full of lies and distortions.

    Kudos to you all for diving in the dumpster so we don’t have to.

  5. I am delighted that this splendid exclusive first edition of the Book of Seumas has been published.

    I am even more delighted to inform you that I have today published the first known translation of the exciting now discovery of the Book of the Old Guardian Chronicles. Scholars are even now at work on the links between these two very important records of this amazing historical period.

    I hope both Books will be widely read and published, opening up debate on the very sad and troubled period of Jewish history to which they refer.

    Further research on the Book of the Old Guardian Chronicles is now continuing and readers will shortly be able to follow online links which will link directly to the known historical sources.

  6. Thank you, Louise.

    Richard Dawkins is, like Jonathan Freedland, a self-proclaimed prophet, who freely proclaims his prophetic knowledge and his own genius. However, Dawkins goes one step beyond Jonathan Freedland because he is his own Supreme Being.

    Jonathan Freedland’s Supreme Being, on the other hand is widely worshipped and followed across the world (and especially amongst the scribes of the Guardian, who bow to quite a few Supreme Beings).

    Richard will therefore regard the newest Book of the Guardian (and indeed the Book of Seamus) with the same contempt with which he regards all other scriptures.

    Additionally, I should perhaps note that Richard Dawkins has undergone numerous, but sadly unsuccessful, sense of humour transplants, as his own was sadly destroyed at a relatively early age by acute over-inflammation of self-regard.

  7. Those who place ads with the Guardian/CiF must be notified that they are sponsoring antisemites. Let’s play hardball.

  8. Superb, Louise. However, I point out that recent archaological research has raised the gnostic problem – that is, the Book of Seumas is only an extant variant of an original Book of Shameless.

  9. Adloyada. ‘Richard Dawkins is, like Jonathan Freedland, a self-proclaimed prophet, who freely proclaims his prophetic knowledge and his own genius. However, Dawkins goes one step beyond Jonathan Freedland because he is his own Supreme Being.’

    Charisma is a difficult thing. It works for some and not for others. I was never unde Bill Clintons ‘charisma’ although I admired his intelligence.

    Sarah Palin doesn’t do anything for me except perhaps a stirring in the groin.

    Dawkins, on the other hand, resonates with my thoughts on ‘what is’. His is the only book, ‘The God Delusion’ that I have purchased in 20 years apart from technical books.

    One mans guru is anothers idiot.