BDS

CiF Watch exclusive: Yet another modest proposal for a Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions campaign


A guest post by Joe Geary

In a move widely expected to spark considerable controversy, one of the UK’s leading university unions, the National Union of Teachers, Trainers and Education Research Staff (known cheekily by some rebels within the union as ‘NUTTERS’) will announce a proposal that Britain’s university teachers and researchers take the unusual step of boycotting themselves.

 A spokesperson for the union told CiF Watch the following:

“We realise this may seem drastic, but the gravity of the crimes being committed in the name of UK universities leaves us no choice. We have reliable information that several UK universities have collaboration programmes with educational facilities in such anti-democratic, misogynistic and apartheid states such as Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and Qatar. We also know of several other British institutions which have received substantial donations from such puppet organisations as the Qatari Foundation and the King Faisal Institute. The LSE alone received around £4 million from the Gaddafi Foundation, half of which in return for a dodgy PhD award to Saïf Gaddafi, currently under investigation for war crimes. We demand the LSE return the money to the Libyan people, sack all its staff and close itself down for its role in crimes against humanity. To cap it all, we know of no single leading UK academic who has denounced Britain’s role in NATO’s atrocities against the Taliban and al-Qaeda, who are asking simply to be left to practice their religion unmolested. By the way, we shall also be demanding the return of the Malvinas to Argentina and of Gibraltar to Spain, and that Northern Ireland and Glasgow be placed under the jurisdiction of UN peacekeepers (at least on Saturday nights)”.

What would be the practical implications of such a boycott, we asked.

“Instead of their usual boring lectures on the implications of the Higgs Boson, we shall be asking our members to use their time more productively by sanctimoniously denouncing the evils of British foreign policy. Instead of researching drugs to combat Alzheimer’s and other Jewish-sounding diseases, we shall be urging them to write rambling joint letters of protest to the Guardian”.

What happened to the old anti-Israel obsession, we were curious to know.

“Oh we’re still boycotting Israelis.  It’s just that it doesn’t seem to have much effect – they still keep on inventing cool technology and life saving medical devices, and winning international prizes and stuff.  In fact the number of boycott fails in recent years would suggest that the Jews – perhaps because of their collective experience dealing with similar discriminatory campaigns throughout history – have built up some sort of immunity to BDS campaigns.  So, we figured we could redirect our malign obsession in another (hopefully more effective) non-Semitic direction. 

Categories: BDS

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10 replies »

  1. This great spoof has just made me laugh out loud in public. I’m about to send it to a couple of lecturers I know at English universities. I have a strong feeling they won’t laugh though.

  2. “…researching drugs to combat Alzheimer’s and other Jewish-sounding diseases…”

    Brilliant.

  3. You joke, but soon they will try to boycott any British academic who does not join in their boycotts.

  4. It might be useful to present each graduating student with a comprehensive body of all the material relevant to the Palestine issues, submitted by both sides. After a week, if they remained as ignorant as they appear to be, they’d have to go back for further reflection. The facts speak for themselves and the boycotters don’t deserve to be awarded degrees if they can’t read critically.

  5. Well this spoof is correct. Those calling for a boycott of Israel have never explained why they are not boycotting many other countries. This failure makes the campaign essentially anti-semitic. Take China. World leader for death penalties, compulsory abortions, military occupation, concentration camps, slave labour and repression of trade unions. Can you even begin to imagine the din if this was Israel?? They say that accusations of anti-semitism are to stop criticism of Israel. I say it is the other way round. Criticisms of israel are being used as a cover for plain old anti-semitism.

  6. BDS really means “bigotry and double standards.” After all, if the dispute over that land were between Shiites and Sunnis, everything else being exactly the same, would the world be able to stifle its collective yawn? Unfortunately, the instant recipe for BDS is, “Mix in some Jews, while constantly stirring the pot!”