Guardian

The Book of Old Guardian Chronicles


Following “The Book of Seumas” here yesterday, this is a cross-post from Judy at Adloyada

Chapter 1

And was it not told, that in the days of the mighty CyrusPScott, he that succoured those of the Exile of the Tribe of Judah that sojourned in the City of Man-chesta in the land of the Mighty Imperial Empire of the Guardian, that he chose as a wise counsellor the Man of Scientific Renown and Learning, the sage Counsellor of the Hebrews of Man-chesta, Chaim ben Weitzman?

And did he not procure a meeting with the troubled King George the Fifth and his ministers and generals, of the land of England, which paid tribute to the Mighty Imperial Empire of the Guardian, saying, Lo, I have heard that ye lack the precious oil of acetone, without which your brave warriors die day upon day in the Wars of the European Nations, even unto the last man?

Now, lo, here is a mighty and wise man of the tribe of the Hebrews, named Chaim ben Weitzman. If it pleaseth the King, send for him, for surely he will give the King and his household true counsel even in the matter of the precious oil of acetone, which no man hath yet found a way to procure, except by the arts of the cursed Germanim with whom ye are at war?

And King George and his counsellors sent for Chaim ben Weitzman, and spake unto him, saying, our brave warriors die day upon day on the battlefield, for we have no precious oil of acetone to make mighty thunder against the war engines of the Germanim.

And Chaim ben Weitzman said unto them: I am the King’s true servant, and also the Lord has spoken through the Emperor CyrusPScott, who hath sent me to you in your time of need, because he is the Guardian of Israel and knoweth that the hearts of we of the Tribe of Hebrews yearn to return to our Promised Land, which is Israel, and not Palestine.

And I will depart and return unto your King’s majesty when I have taken counsel of the Lord and made through His guidance precious oil of acetone which needeth not the arts of the Germanim.

And lo! He returned many months later to the Emperor CyrusPScott, and said, the Lord hath blessed my endeavours and I have cruses without number of the precious oil of acetone which I will give to King George. And now, will not the Guardian put in a word for us with the King that he vouchsafe his help unto us in the matter of making a decree that the Hebrews and all the children of Israel that are scattered to all corners of the earth be gathered back into Israel?

For is not the Sultan of the Turkish Lands not now vanquished in battle by the mighty warrior Al-Enby of the Brits of King George who hath taken Jerusalem and standeth at the walls of Zion?

And the Emperor CyrusPScott spake and said, the matter that thou saidest is good. And I shall write letters unto the King andhis Counsellors and speak with all who may aid ye in this endeavour, for the Guardian labours to see ye and all of the Tribe of Hebrews return rejoicing to the land of Israel and not Palestine.

For of this, will come good for the Empire of the Guardian, which will wax mightily, and make good profits, and who knows that we might not yet become the Guardian of the Land of England, even in London, and our Chronicles be read by all the sages and wise men, and the soothsayers of the whole land?

And lo, he wrote letters and spake with the counsellors of the wise King. And Chaim ben Weitzman came to London and presented the King with the cruses of precious oil of acetone. And so the warriors of the King went out and with mighty weapons and a strong arm smote the Germanim. And they were sore defeated.

And the Guardian of Israel and the Emperor CyrusPScott and all the people rejoiced.

And King George spake with his counsellors and said, how may we reward thisChaim ben Weitzman, for he hath aided us mightily in this war, and saved the lives of multitudes of our brave warriors. And the Emperor CyrusPScott hath counselled us that Chaim be Weitzman now wisheth with his people of the Tribe of Hebrews to return unto the Land of Israel not Palestine. And mayhap we have made promises to the Tribe of Ishmael and Abdullah, that cometh from the land of Arabia, but yet wisheth for the Land which they call the Land of the Arabs. But are we not minded to give a decree that permitteth this Chaim ben Weitzman and his Tribe of Hebrews also to return to the Land of Israel not Palestine?

And King George had mighty counsellors, wise in the ways of forking the tongue and doubling the cross, and they said unto him, mighty King, may we not send a letter unto the greatest merchant of the Tribe of the Hebrews with words of favour and blessing for the return of them unto the Land of Israel not Palestine and yet also make promises unto Abdullah and Faisal that also they shall have the Land of the Arabs?

For are we of the Empire not wise in the ways of making promises that bind all unto us, but delivering them into strife amongst themselves that enables us to extract their precious oils and much else that doeth good unto us?

And the King saw that their words were wise. And lo! A letter was sent unto the great Prince Rothschild, the mighty merchant of the Tribe of the Hebrews that set out what the counsellors had said, and is it not known unto this day as the great Letter of Balfour, which is read with great rejoicing by the Hebrews of the Land of Israel not Palestine, and cursed by the Land of the Arabs, and the Tribe of the Palestinians, and all that are of their camp?

Chapter 2

And after many years and sore troubles, there arose new Emperors at the Guardian that knew not the heart and mind of Emperor CyrusPScott albeit they knew his name, and spoke of being his true inheritors, though in truth they were sworn in heart and mind unto the Empire of the Marxistim, the Sovietim and the Egyptians and all that paid the Sovietim tribute. And of these Emperors, are not the deeds of the Emperor Pet-er-Preston and his counsellors told in the Second Book of the Chronicles of the Guardian?

And now arose the Emperor Rus-Bridga who spoke with careful counsel of great craft, but knew the Guardian of the Sovietim sent out mighty tributes of gold which were sent out to counsellors and scribes, even unto counsellors that were of the Scribes of the Guardian of London, that they might win the hearts of the people of the Kingdom of the Wise Queen Elizabeth unto the cause of the Palestinians not Arabs, for there was much oil to be gained for the Sovietim and also influence on the hearts of the peoples of the world.

And the Emperor Rus-Bridga said, our conscience troubleth us sadly. For do we not feel that we have made this sad thing come to pass, that the Letter of Balfour was given unto the Hebrews through the counsel of the old Emperor CyrusPScott, and we are cursed sorely for it by the Sovietim and all that follow the God of the Marxistim, the BaalMarx?

Now let us therefore deal wisely with these Hebrews that say they are of the Land of Israel, and let us seek the favour of the Marxistim and the losers of the vanquished tribe of Marxistim, for the tributes of the land of the Sovietim are passed, but there is much tribute and may good things that come from the new Empires of the Arabs and of the Tribe of Ishmael.

And he took Seamus, and Ben Whitaker and many others that were skilled at selecting very craftily and with twisted intent from the Chronicles and they and their scribes wrote much evil about the Land of Israel. And the Guardian of London began to prosper with the tribes of the Marxistim and the Princes of the Funds of the Sovereign Wealth were mightily pleased.

But the Tribe of Hebrews in the Land of Israel were sore vexed, and sent many letters and sent scribes that wrote, behold, in the Chronicles is not the truth written of this matter? And lo, you cause our name to stink amongst the Nations of the World. And thou surely knowest that thou publishest vile lies that cause the name of the Guardian, which was once proud, to stink in the land with the curse of anti-semitism?

And the Emperor Rus-bridga and all his scribes said unto the Tribe of Hebrews, now surely we are not cursed with anti-semitism, which is a fearful curse. For we speak only of the evils of the accursed zionism which is not anti-semitism. And lo, have we not appointed the Hebrew Jonathan ben Freedland, the son of a scribe of the Jewish Chronicles, who led the Habonim in his youth, who is a prophet who knoweth and proclaimeth his own genius, and sayeth that our Chronicle of the Guardian publisheth not anti-semitism? And hath not he proclaimed freely that the Guardian is not anti-semitic?

And all of the Guardian were of that counsel, and the hearts of much of the Hebrews of the Kingdom of the Wise Queen Elizabeth, and of the Land of Israel were mightily troubled, and said, what may we do against these slanders and evil decrees that are written against us by these false scribes of the Guardian of London?

Yet, mayhap, there were amongst the Hebrews them that had followed the ways of the Soviets and bowed before the BaalMarx, and some who had received gold, rich praise, chairs in the great academies of renown, and fine robes from the Marxistim, and the coffers of the Arabs and the Marxistim-Palestinian Warriors and their allied warriors of the Marxistim-ANC, even their mighty heroes Man-Dela and Joe, son of Slovo, of the warriors of Unkonto na Sizwe.

And there were also some of them that believed that they had mighty consciences, and were seers, some had not not got over the days of their bar-mitzvah celebrations, and some saw themselves as courageous speakers and warriors, lone voices crying in the wilderness, even though they stood verily amongst thousands that daily uttered the same words in their mouths and wrote them in their letters, which had been written for them first by the Soviets in the Chronicles of the accursed Emperor Stalin and the exiled Prince Trot-ski and their fathers, even unto the days of the Huntsmen of the Okhrana, even the AsAJews of Old of the Band of Yevsekstia and the Bundistim.

And these Hebrews formed Tribes, and they called it them the Tribe of the AsAJews, the Tribe of Jay-Street and the Guardians of the Conscience of the Jews of Independent Voices. And there was a very small tribe that called themselves Neturei Karta, that were but a few hundred in number, that said, all these Hebrews of the Land of Israel are not Jews, but we alone are the true Jews.

But in truth, the numbers of all the AsAJews were sore small, and most that were of the Tribe of AsAJews were also enrolled on the list of the Tribe of Jay-Street, and the Guardians of the Conscience of the Jews of Independent Voices.

And they spoke mightily and often in the halls of the Nations and their scribes wrote weekly and even daily in the Chronicle of the Guardian, proclaiming, Lo As A Jew, I say that the Land of Israel is not a true Land of the Hebrews but a Land of Zionists, and it is a thing of the Imperialists, and it hath done and doeth daily vile evil unto the Palestinians, who sit in peace under their fig trees, and trouble the Hebrews not.

And the doings of the Zionists are evil, even as the ways of the accursed Nazim and the dogs of Botha, of the vanquished tribe of the Apartheidites. And, lo, the Land of Israel must be wiped from the map of the nations, and he that sayeth not so shall be accursed.

And the hearts of the many true Hebrews that knew the truth were troubled, and they knew not what to do.

3 replies »

  1. Judy at Adloyada.

    That’s great.

    Just great.

    I particularly liked And these Hebrews formed Tribes, and they called it them the Tribe of the AsAJews, the Tribe of Jay-Street and the Guardians of the Conscience of the Jews of Independent Voices. And there was a very small tribe that called themselves Neturei Karta, that were but a few hundred in number, that said, all these Hebrews of the Land of Israel are not Jews, but we alone are the true Jews.