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Israel breathes; world condemnation instantaneous


This is a cross post by Andrew Pessin from American Thinker (h/t Akiva)

-Satire-

Israel breathed this morning. There was a quick intake of air, and then a gentle exhalation. World condemnation was instantaneous.

P.A. President Abbas decried the Israeli attempt to commandeer the Middle East air supply, and demanded a prompt return to the 1967 air distribution which Palestinian leaders had previously violently rejected. Iranian President Ahmadinejad interrupted his weekly call for the destruction of Israel in order to blast the Zionist entity for its blatant oxygen grab and call for its immediate destruction.

Egyptian newspapers detailed the malicious Mossad plot to exhale germs into the air and then spread the poisoned air via high-tech windmills directly into the lungs of Muslim children. Exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshal announced that in response to the Israeli aggression, Hamas would not let the Red Cross visit captured soldier Gilad Schalit. When it was pointed out that they hadn’t allowed such visits in the four years prior to Israel’s action, he snorted, “And now you see why!”

Turkey announced it would be withdrawing its ambassador, only to retract that announcement in slight embarrassment when it realized it had already withdrawn him last week, in response to some other Israeli outrage it could no longer quite recall. The United Nations General Assembly, after meeting for an all-night emergency session, called for another all-night emergency session. And the Security Council demanded an immediate impartial investigation, only to backtrack when it was informed that all its available staff were already tied up in ongoing impartial investigations of other Israeli actions.

Indeed, outrage at Israel’s action was heard around the globe. People everywhere exclaimed that Israel’s aggression was against international law, and then asked for a copy of the newspaper so they could see just what it was, in fact, that Israel had done this time. Others, more intellectually-inclined, asked for some links on “international law,” curious to find out, at last, just what was this special code which apparently all non-Israelis had secretly agreed upon. And, of course, there were numerous calls for Israel’s leaders to be brought up on charges of war crimes.

Loudest of these were from regimes as diverse as China, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, and North Korea, which took time off from their busy schedules oppressing Tibetans, Darfur civilians, women and all religious minorities, and their own citizens respectively to make their pronouncements. In fact, Israel’s action this time was so offensive that Muslim extremists actually paused from their work installing massive explosives in each others’ mosques in order to condemn Israel’s attacks on Muslim civilians.

The criticisms could even be heard within Israel itself. “How can Israel call itself a democracy,” Haaretz asked in an editorial, “while allowing its Jewish citizens to consume 75% of the air?” Arab-Israeli MKs signed a petition demanding that the Israeli constitution, guaranteeing their right to sit in the Knesset despite their repeated calls for Israel’s destruction, should be dissolved, preferably in favor of something more totalitarian. “On this day I am ashamed to be a Jew,” proclaimed one prominent left-wing leader, a man who had repeatedly urged all peoples to be proud of their ethnic and religious identities, except for Jews.

Israel initially attempted to respond to these criticisms, but quickly realized that speaking would require it once again to inhale and thus draw upon itself further global ire.

And so, Israel stopped breathing altogether.

This action, clearly aimed to destroy the regional economy and destabilize the entire Middle East, triggered instantaneous worldwide condemnation.

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12 replies »

  1. Akiva

    “American thinker ( satire) ”

    I think that about sums it up. Americans really dont do irony and this is a tired effort. They do have thinkers but the obvious ones are on the Palestinian side

    Israel is condemned ..often ridiculously so… by regimes wishing to detract from their own inadequacies.. Saudi, Syria spring to mind…also the Guardian are happy to “understand ” our brave lads in Afghanistan whereas the IDF get it tight if they roll out the Merkevas.

    However the targetting, the community punishment of the Gazans ..the total disregard for international law…the imprisoning of political leaders..Israel is hardly the wide eyed innocent and much of the criticism is absolutely correct.

  2. Well done Hawkeye. The photograph is a perfect accompaniment to the piece, showing the pathetic fallacy of the Palestinians overusing the world’s sympathy. The Palestinians are becoming a parody of themselves.

  3. This was hilarious!

    I especially liked, “In fact, Israel’s action this time was so offensive that Muslim extremists actually paused from their work installing massive explosives in each others’ mosques in order to condemn Israel’s attacks on Muslim civilians.”

    This captures perfectly the way the world behaves towards Israel.

  4. “Americans really dont do irony”

    As opposed to the Scottish whose contribution to humor range from headbutting to cursing your mama. BTW the Guardian seem to be doing irony wonderfully on a daily basis.

  5. As opposed to the Scottish whose contribution to humor range from headbutting to cursing your mama.

    I have been in Scotland and Aye I confirm the above.

  6. Wonderful Akiva/Hawkeye.

    Another piece which works at many levels, the sublime cleverness of which will escape the literal thinkers or cause them grief because it does not fit into any of their predefined categories of interpretation.

    Of course Arabs/Islamists would blame the Jews for the weather if they could. Any people who, in this 21st century of enlightenment still believes that Jews use magic or poison water supplies, or kill Arab children to make Passover matzot, or sell chewing gum to Arabs which will cause them to be impotent are very likely to believe that too. The notion that Jews deliberately spread disease to their enemies belongs in the Dark Ages but is alive and thriving in the Arab world, see

    As well as the usual carnard that Jews drink Arab blood at

    Note how the Hamas-inspired audience cheers.

  7. iva

    “I have been in Scotland and Aye I confirm the above.( headbutting .. cursing your mama. ) ”

    Scotland is the most violent country in Western Europe…has the most murders pp and has the highest prison population. It has the worst health, the highest teen preg.rate , thehighest unemployment and the poorest people. Funny that it also is the least anti Semitic. Funny old world eh?

    I guess we get something right.

  8. @Mitnaged: “Another piece which works at many levels, the sublime cleverness of which will escape the literal thinkers or cause them grief because it does not fit into any of their predefined categories of interpretation”

    Is that satire, or irony?

    You know I love you guys, but honestly. Satirising condemnation of a blockade is lower than low; and in the light of 9 aid workers being killed I think your personalities are diverging from the sane. From Medecins Sans Frontiers in 2009:

    “The Israeli military offensive in the Gaza Strip, “Cast Lead,” launched on 27th December, 2008, killed 1,300 Palestinians (including 900 civilians, 300 of whom were children) and injured 5,300 more in 22 days. Given what many considered as Israel’s disproportionate response and the number of civilian victims, public opinion was widely opposed to the war”

    Hospitals in the Gaza Strip were flooded with wounded patients. The morgues were full and bodies had to be placed in other rooms. Intensive care units, emergency rooms and operating rooms were overwhelmed too. There was a shortage of health care workers. Those who managed to reach the hospitals were exhausted, but worked to respond to the situation. Many amputations were performed on an emergency basis.

    The civilian population of the Gaza Strip – 1.5 million people, 50 percent of whom are children – was trapped, unable to flee the world’s most densely population region. No one expected such intense violence. “Some lost close friends and family members or their home and some prepared their children for death,” explains Elina Pelekanou, an MSF psychologist. Everyone suffered, experiencing stress, anxiety and constant terror. They remain traumatized today”.

    http://www.msf.org.uk/gaza_after_the_war_report_20091026.news

    That was over a year ago. If you’re going to ‘defend Israel’ by ‘satirising’ critics of humanitarian catastrophes then heaven help you.

  9. richardhutton – both.

    I suspect that you don’t understand either otherwise you would not have replied at all and in the way you did.

    And Medecins sans Frontiers are hardly disinterested are they? I note that neither you nor they choose to mention that Hamas roamed those very hospitals killing people and stealing supplies for their own wounded, whilst children died. The only redeeming feature about Medecins Sans Frontiers is that they aroused the ire of the aptly-named Mads Gilbert, ISM member and doctor, who during Cast Lead foamed at the mouth in front of the cameras that the IDF was killing children. Later in the interview, however, it emerged that the children were playing on a rooftop in a firefight, which sounds like the deliberate Hamas tactics of Fathi Hamad to me.

    I’m afraid that I can’t summon up the energy to get exercised about the deaths of far-from-peaceable terrorist sympathisers who were spoiling for a fight and got one. I’ll leave that sort of cranking up of faux sympathy to an ignoramus like you.

    Talking of ignorance, didn’t you know thatTel Aviv is far more densely populated than Gaza?

    You probably also believe that the whole of Gaza is starving. Allow me to disabuse you of that:

    http://www.rootsclub.ps/services.php

    f you look at the following link, you will find UNICEF and UNWRA
    among their list of clients:

    http://www.rootsclub.ps/clients.php

    So instead of pestering us, why not get onto your friends at the Groan and your MP and get up a petition to stop taxpayers’ money going to fund all this, when donors believe that their money is going to ordinary Palestinians.

    And thank you richardhutton for letting me set the record straight again. This site is has thousands of visitors per week, more than a few of whom may happen on it by accident en route to somewhere else, and may have fallen for the sort of lies that the MSM tell and people like you swallow whole and repeat without thinking about them.

    So, if this exchange with you has succeeded in making even one of those visitors question the guff they are continually being fed, then replying to you has been time well spent.

  10. Considering the outrage commited by Israel, the international community’s reaction really really was deplorably weak. If they can’t muster some more energy to respond adequately to Israel, over at the Graun, they will have to write many more articles about preposterous impunity etcetcetcetcetc. No vacation this year, it seems, for the Rachel Shabbis etcetcetcetc. That’ll be just another human rights violation for which ultimately Israel is to blame. AWFULLLLL!

  11. Mitnaged
    .

    And Medecins sans Frontiers are hardly disinterested are they?

    And Amnesty are hardly disinterested are they?

    And the UN are hardly disinterested are they?

    And the Organization for African Unity are hardly disinterested are they?

    And the Non-Aligned Movement, are hardly disinterested are they?

    Now who else have we got?

  12. RHutton gets the prize for sardonic humour today: “Aid workers” that’s what he calls the murderous thugs who we actually saw battering soldiers as they were descending from the helicopter unable to defend themselves.

    They were certainly aiding the soldiers in learning how cowardly Jihadis can be.